Embarrassment, shame, and humiliation are feelings often linked with Premature Ejaculation1. Premature ejaculators can have the impression of being not “normal.” If it’s your case and you feel ashamed, embarrassed or humiliated when you have sex, have you ever asked yourself why?
What is normal?
Yes, if you’re coming in the first seconds of penetration, you’re under the average sex time. Still, the average is often overestimated. Based on the largest study on the subject, 50% of men come under 5.4 minutes2.
The ISSM (International Society for Sexual Medicine) definition of premature ejaculation states that to be considered as a premature ejaculator, a man needs to ejaculate in less than a minute 90% or more of the times3.
We grow up with unrealistic expectation about sex and ejaculation control.
Where do we learn sex?
Those unrealistic expectations come from the fact that most of us learn sexuality from either pop culture or pornography. Neither are credible sources. Unfortunately, sex ed isn’t common in every country. Even where it is, some sex ed class only focus on STDs and how to put a condom and neglect other aspects.
Movies and TV
Movies and TV shows. That’s where most of us have seen two people “having sex” for the first time. But in reality, they weren’t having sex. It’s only two actors pretending they’re doing it. Just like watching Grey’s Anatomy doesn’t make you a doctor, watching sex scenes in movies doesn’t tell you anything about sex. Worse, it gives you the false impression that sex is always perfect. Outside of some comedic scene where sexual difficulties are mocked, movies and TV shows tend to show only the good aspect of sex. What is the last time you saw a movie where the protagonist suffers from premature ejaculation, anorgasmia or sexual pain disorders?
When it comes to porn, it’s even worst. Of course, in porn, no one suffers from premature ejaculation. They need to be able to last as long as the director wants to. That’s why most porn actor suffers from another type of sexual dysfunction: delayed ejaculation. That’s a big problem because it can make you think that regular man can last for hours. However, studies show otherwise. Remember, 50% of men can’t last over five and a half minutes.
If we make abstraction of porn, how many couples have you seen having sex? Usually, this answer is close to 0. Thus, it’s easy to believe, consciously or not, that porn is a reflection of reality. But it’s not.
Sexual difficulties are common
In reality, sexual difficulties are way more common than you think. One particular analysis shows that up to 50% of woman could suffer from sexual dysfunction4. So, even if you suffer from premature ejaculation, that’s not a reason to be ashamed or feel humiliated. In real life, sex is rarely perfect. Especially when you meet someone for the first time, it’s normal that it won’t be perfect most of the time. It won’t be a dealbreaker.
Why you shouldn’t be embarrassed
We know that 50% of men come under 5.4 minutes. If you can’t last more than a couple of seconds, you are, per definition, a premature ejaculator. Even so, what’s the big deal about it? Yes, PE sucks. It poses severe restrictions on your sex life. Still, it’s not a reason to be ashamed.
Born this way
Other than the fact that sexual dysfunctions are common, the main reason why you shouldn’t be ashamed of your PE condition is that you’re probably born this way. If we take a look at the causes and risk factors of premature ejaculation, you’ll see that they’re a lot of organic elements on the list. Some of those factors could be hereditary. So, premature ejaculation would be genetic.
I have brown eyes, should I feel sorry for it? Some girls prefer blue eyes; still, I do not feel bad for having brown eyes. If your PE is caused by genetic factors outside of your control, just like your eye color, why would you be ashamed?
Your Reaction is What is Important
As we mentioned on the Living with PE page, what will define you, it’s not whether you ejaculate quickly or not, but hor you react to your premature ejaculation problem. Because if there’s one thing you have control over, it’s your reaction to PE. If you take a look at what women think of premature ejaculation, often, they are more bothered by the man’s response to PE than PE itself. And needless to say, shame and humiliation aren’t their favorite response. Instead, why wouldn’t you adopt a positive, proactive attitude? Take your sexual difficulty as an occasion to show some will and character.
It’s Possible to Overcome Premature Ejaculation
Even if premature ejaculation imposes restrictions on your sex life, there is plenty you can do to improve your condition. From the short-term tips to last longer in bed to the effective premature ejaculation treatments, you have a lot of options. Of course, if you’re PE is severe, overcoming your problem won’t be an easy journey. But if you do it with the right attitude, not only you’ll increase your chances of success, but you’ll realize that PE is maybe not as big of a deal as you might think. So please, don’t feel ashamed or humiliated by premature ejaculation. Having a rapid sexual response is normal. Not only it’s possible to work on some aspects of PS, but there’s also a lot of ways to develop coping techniques. Heck, there’s even some a good side to premature ejaculation!
- Abdo CH (2016) The impact of ejaculatory dysfunction upon the sufferer and his partner. Transl Androl Urol. 2016 Aug;5(4):460-9. doi: 10.21037/tau.2016.05.08
- Waldinger M et al (2005) A multinational population survey of intravaginal ejaculation latency time. J Sex Med 2(4):292–297
- An Evidence Based Unified Definition of Lifelong and Acquired Premature Ejaculation: Report of the International Society for Sexual Medicine (ISSM) Second Ad Hoc Committee for the Definition of Premature Ejaculation
- McCabe MP, Sharlip ID, Lewis R, Atalla E, Balon R, Fisher AD, Laumann E, Lee SW, Segraves RT (2016) Incidence and Prevalence of Sexual Dysfunction in Women and Men: A Consensus Statement from the Fourth International Consultation on Sexual Medicine 2015. J Sex Med. Feb;13(2):144-52. doi: 10.1016/j.jsxm.2015.12.034.