To please a woman in bed, you first need to do X, then Y, and you end up by doing Z 3 or 4 times, and voilà! Of course, sex doesn’t work like this. Still, you’ll find plenty of article of this kind. And to be honest, they aren’t all bad. Even if they are click baits, you can find some good advice on
most some of those posts. Since this post title is also 100% click bait, I can’t complain about this. What’s bothering me with the “How to please a woman in bed” articles it’s their lack of perspective. Most of the time, they rely too much on the author’s experience. No matter the author’s sex, some girls, tend to write more about what they like in bed while men speak about what they do that’s working for them. The problem is, we all are different. Shocking isn’t! No universal advice will work… except maybe this one:
All Women are Different
Be confident, be dominant, prolong the foreplay, don’t be afraid to use dirty talk, use your finger, use your tongue, use X part of your anatomy… While most of those pieces of advice are true for some women, they are all dependent on two things: the person and the context. And to better understand the importance of those, we first need to grasp a fundamental sex concept: the dual control model.
The Dual Control Model
During my research that led to the development of Premature Ejaculation Help, I’ve read a lot of books about sex. One of them changed the way I saw sexuality. It’s Come as You Are by Ph.D. sex educator Emilie Nagoski. This book about female sexuality introduced me to the dual control model. If you want an excellent explanation of the model, you can buy Emilie’s book, but if you prefer a shorter and not as good as the book’s explanation summary, I’m here for you.
Arousal = Car
We will borrow Emilie’s book analogy and compare arousal to a car. A car has two pedals: gas and brake. If you want to reach your destination (orgasm), you need to press the gas to advance the car. However, if the brake pedal is pressed, the car won’t move (or will move slower than it should).
The gas and brake represent the sexual excitation system (SES) and sexual inhibition system (SIS). As you can read on our arousal control page, some premature ejaculators reach orgasm too soon because their arousal level spikes more quickly. They get aroused too much, too soon. In other terms, it’s because they have a sensible sexual excitation system (gas pedal).
In general, men have a more sensible gas, and women have a more sensible brake – although some women can have sensible gas and some men could have sensible brakes. And that’s where most of the “how to please a woman” articles fail. They tell you how to activate the gas pedal, but you can press the gas as much as you want, your car won’t move if the brakes are activated.
The Brake Pedal
As mentioned, guys usually don’t have a sensible brake pedal. So, it can be hard for us to understand the brake pedal concept. If our partner doesn’t look aroused enough, our first reflex is to push the gas pedal. We want to make her “more aroused” by doing arousing things. And here go all the tips you’ve read on other “hot to please women in bed” articles. You try dirty talk, you go down and try the latest oral sex techniques you’ve read and so on… The problem is, maybe your partner doesn’t need more gas. In fact, by pressing harder on the gas, you can activate the brakes.
So how are the brakes triggered? Here again, it varies from one person to another. But if we want to understand the brake concept, we need to know where it comes from. The brakes are a natural defense response to threats. It’s your body telling you that, for your safety, you shouldn’t engage in sexual activities. By safety, we mean actual threats to your health, like for example the risk of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), but also social risks. For instance, if you see a sex scene in a movie while you’re with your partner may turn you on. The same scene won’t turn you on if you’re with your stepdad. That’s because your body knows that it’s not a context where sex should occur. Therefore, you’re body makes sure that your brake is activated.
And, just like they are two type of brakes in a car (the foot brake and the handbrake), when it comes to sex, there’s two type of threats.
Foot Brake (Threat of Performance Consequences)
The first type of brake act like a regular brake pedal. It’s an unconscious scan of all possible consequences. Like we mentioned, those consequences can be about health or social issues. Health consequences are pretty straightforward: the risk of getting STDs, the risk of being hurt (physically or emotionally), etc. Social consequences can include damage to the reputation. For example, a girl can see her brakes activated if she starts thinking about “what others will think of me” if I do this.
Some moves that can be good for the gas pedal could also trigger those brakes. For example, as much as oral sex can be a turn on with the right girl in the proper context, it can also activate her brake for several reasons. If you are with a new partner, she can fear of “not smelling good” or getting an STD. Speaking of fear of STDs, it’s a significant brake activator. And if you look like a real Don Juan when you’re with a new partner, a brake-sensitive person can quickly make a Don Juan = STDs connection in her head.
Handbrake (Threat of Performance Failure)
The second type of brake is similar to a car’s handbrake. Unlike the footbrake, the handbrake doesn’t stop a vehicle from moving. If your handbrake is on and you give enough gas, your car will advance. However, it will use more fuel, and your car won’t be as fast as it could.
The handbrake corresponds to the threat of performance failure. Have you ever been afraid of being bad in something to the point where you prefer not to try this said-thing? For example, everybody dances at a party, but you’re so concerned about not looking like an idiot that your body freezes and you can’t even try to bounce for more than 5 seconds? That’s threat of performance failure, and it happens in sex too. In fact, a lot of women suffer from this. The fear of not being good in bed, the fear of not pleasing her partner, the fear of not reaching orgasm can all be common triggers for women’s handbrake. And just like too much gas can exacerbate the threat of performance consequences, it can also contribute to the threat of performance failure. If you look too wild (by, trying the latest dirty talk line you’ve just learned in a “how to please a woman in bed” article), a girl with sensible brakes can easily be intimidated.
The Gas Pedal
So, too much gas can be a bad thing. Still, gas is essential to please a woman. If you’re good to activate a girl’s gas pedal, it’s an excellent skill to have. But there’re two things to keep in mind.
- While there’re common gas activators that most women share (I don’t know a lot of women who doesn’t like confidence in bed), it’s not true that all women have the same gas triggers
- Some things will activate the gas pedal in some contexts and the brakes in others (remember the sex scene in a movie with your stepdad example)
So, the more you’ll sexually know a person, the better you’ll be at managing her gas and brake. Of course, this isn’t a surprise for anyone. The better you know what a girl likes, the more fun it will be for both of you. Guys who are sensitive to non-verbal communication and attentive to their partners’ reactions should quickly know where to stand.
Still, even if a lot of communication is non-verbal, things are much more evident when we do use words. That’s why a good lover knows how to talk about sex. Whether it is before, during or after sex, communication is crucial to lower the brakes and increase the gas. By knowing your partner, you’ll be in a better position to recognize when her brakes are on, and you’ll know when you should go all-in on the gas, and when you shouldn’t.
The other important variable is the context. In the perfect setting, every girl can respond well to a gas-oriented approach. However, when the context isn’t there, no one will be able to activate the gas.
The critical thing about context is that you’re always influencing it. By “context” we don’t mean candle lightning and rose petals. Yes, those details can play a role, but your relation’s overall sexual context will represent the most significant part. Are you and your partner openly talking about sex? Are you at ease talking about the thing you would like to experiment in bed? Do you think your partner is? And what about things you don’t want her to do? Are you afraid to tell your partner about things she does that you don’t like? Is she speaking about the things she doesn’t want? Being on the same page will help to create a sex-positive environment in your couple. And this sex-positive environment is your best ally against your partner’s brakes.
The Single Best Advice on How to Please a Woman in Bed
So, here we go, the single best advice on how to please a woman in bed: use your tongue! What’s the best way to understand the person and the context? By talking to each other. Your tongue is your most useful sexual organ, and I’m not only talking about oral sex here. I believe that communication is the most important sexual skill someone can develop. The best you will be at speaking about your sex life, the better you’ll be in bed. And by “being good at speaking about sex,” it means that you are at ease when you talk about sex, but also that you know how to make your partner comfortable talking about it too.
The Good Side of Sexual Difficulties
Since this website’s goal is not to make you a Casanova, but help you cope with premature ejaculation, you may wondering why we have an entire article on “how to please a woman in bed”. Yes, this site will expose all the treatments options for premature ejaculation. But on top of this, we want to help you deal with premature ejaculation. And although premature ejaculation, like any sexual difficulties, kind of suck, I think it has one really good side. It’s a beautiful occasion to develop your sexual communication skills. And even if treating PE can be long or difficult, you can still be a better lover than most if you develop those communication skills.