Dating with Premature Ejaculation
Dating can be a struggle for a lot of men, no regard to their sexual condition, so dating with premature ejaculation could be a real hurdle. Studies show how premature ejaculation impacts negatively self-confidence1 and dating without confidence is a hard thing to do.
If you think that you premature ejaculation problem restrain your dating potential, I know what you feel. I have been in your shoes and trust me, as much as PE could represent an obstacle for your dating life, I realize now how PE isn’t a handicap. In fact, it’s possible to turn your PE problem to your advantage.
Breaking the Wheel
Dating and premature ejaculation is a vicious circle. On the one hand, the more you let your PE affects you, the less self-confidence you’ll have. The less confidence you have, the more your dating life will suffer. And the less you date, the more your self-esteem suffers. Besides, the less you date, the more anxious you’ll be when you’ll finally meet someone and anxiety isn’t a good thing for your premature ejaculation problem (neither for your dating chances).
On the other hand, it’s harder to works on your premature ejaculation problem outside of a relationship. It’s possible to works on some things while single (see the home remedies to premature ejaculation page). Still, as much as you work on your problem on your side, the real test is with a partner, and if you do not have regular sexual relations, it will be hard for you to control yourself in “real action.”
So let’s make something clear, if your plan is to work on your PE first and start meeting potential partners only when your situation is under control, I think you should revise your plan. Yes, it’s a good thing that you take your PE problem in hands as soon as possible, but this shouldn’t stop you from dating.
To break the wheel, the first thing you need to do it’s to start meeting potential partners. As you can read on the premature ejaculation relationship page, your partner will be your best ally to learn how to control your arousal and overcome premature ejaculation.
Getting Some Help
Ok, now that you’re motivated enough to go out and begin your dating life, where do you start? I know dating can be a struggle for some (no matter your original condition). If it’s your case, there is one thing you have to keep in mind: dating (just like sex) is a skill, and just like any skill, it’s learnable.
Yes, some have it naturally. Good for them! But if it’s not your case, you have to approach dating and seduction like any other skills you want to learn. Everybody with good coaching could become a decent guitar player. The same goes for sports, play tennis two times a week and you’ll be a pretty good player after one year. Maybe not a pro, but better than average. Personally, I was the worst dancer on earth a couple of years ago. I took some classes of Rockabilly Jive, and I still find it hard to believe now when someone tells me that I’m a good dancer. Truth is, I’m not a really good dancer, I just took some courses and I’m better than average because of those classes.
The same goes for dating. Seduction is a learnable skill. And to learn it correctly don’t be afraid to get some help.
About The Dating Industry
I’m no dating coach or seduction expert. However, the internet is full of self-proclaimed experts. The dating coach industry is a lucrative niche, and a lot of players try to sell you overpriced material. Even if there is some bullshit out there, I still suggest you take a look at different products. Between free blog posts and high priced one-on-one coaching session, I’m sure you can find something suited to your need and budget.
One thing to keep in mind, when you try to learn a new skill, the theory is often necessary but not sufficient. That means you should read a book on seduction first. But then, go out and practice what you’ve learned. Getting good at dating, just like any skill, is all about practice.
Premature Ejaculation Isn’t a Dealbreaker
What’s the point of meeting girls if as soon as it gets serious, they’ll see that I come in 30 seconds or less?
One of the biggest irrational fear of premature ejaculator could have is that a “quick” first time with a girl will be a dealbreaker. That’s a 100% irrational fear.
First, for most girls, it won’t be a big deal. Second, if a girl doesn’t want to call you back because you cum too fast the first time; great! She has all the rights in the world to do so, and at your place, I would be happy that my PE screened this girl.
Still, even if you’ve read all the info above, and rationally, you know that PE shouldn’t stop you from having a fulfilled dating life, it’s possible that in the heart of the action, it still plays in your head and affect your game. The best way to overcome this and keep your confidence on dates is to have a plan.
Let’s be honest, if you suffer from premature ejaculation, you are single, you don’t have regular sexual intercourses, and you are on a date with a pretty girl, chances are high you won’t last long if things get serious. Accept the fact that it will likely happen and develop a plan to turn it to your advantage.
How to Respond to a Premature Ejaculation With a New Partner?
Imagine this: you’re on a date with a stunning girl. The connection between you two is good and the flirting becomes more “physical.” One thing leads to another, and you are both in bed, naked and aroused. You find her so pretty that foreplay is enough to get you at your max arousal level. When penetration starts, you can’t last more than 5 seconds. When you stop your thing after orgasming, you see her face mixed with surprise and deception. What do you do?
- Feel ashamed, tell her you’re sorry, that it doesn’t always happen (which is most likely a lie), find a phony excuse (“I’m too tired”), then roll on your side of the bed and curse the universe to make you a premature ejaculator, or…
- Keep kissing and caressing her. Tell her how she’s so pretty that she made you lose all control (which is true) and continue to stimulate her. She’ll be even more aroused to see the effect she has on you, and how you’re not ashamed of being too aroused and how you keep your confidence in situations where most men lost theirs.
The Positive Reaction
The fact is, if this girl isn’t at her first experience, you’re probably not the first “fast coming” guy that she met. If most guys reactions are closer to the number 1, you will stand out with a response closer to number 2. Confidence is a big turn on for women, and at this points, she’s probably still aroused. A positive and confident reaction will keep her aroused while a distant and ashamed one will kill all her momentum.
Of course, you will have to cease penetration and rely on other forms of stimulation, but if it could make you feel better, it’s less than 20% of women that could achieve orgasm by penetration only without clitoridal stimulation2. Anyways, female orgasm occurrence and intensity is linked with partner’s closness3. How “close” can you be of a partner you have sex with for the first time?
So you better learn other sexual techniques that penetration. Moreover, if you keep her aroused and you continue to stimulate her (manually or orally), it could rearouse you enough to gain a second erection and complete what you’ve started. You’ll be in your refractory period so you should last longer this time.
Turn Your PE to Your Advantage
You should NEVER be sorry for being who you are. Life made you with a sensible arousal. So what? That’s you who are; you should be proud of it. Turn it to your advantage.
I won’t lie, premature ejaculation sucks. But when you are confronted with something unpleasant in life, there are two ways to react: either you keep whining and feel sorry for yourself, or you take the good things out of the situation (and there’s always good things about a situation).
The Good Side of PE
What’s the good side of premature ejaculation? We have an entire page on it. In short, it’s an occasion to show to a potential partner how you deal with struggles and to improve your sexual communication skills.
A premature ejaculation, while you may consider it as a failure, is, in fact, an occasion to show how you react to hassles. A guy that knows how to keep it cool and keeps in confidence in situations where other would feel ashamed is a sharp display of character. Moreover, if things get serious between you two and you talk about how you are aware of your situation, and you are proactive to treat your premature ejaculation, it shows that you are the kind of man that know how to deal and overcome problems in life.
Besides, learning how to talk about sex is probably the best sexual skills you can have. Most guys aren’t comfortable to have serious talks about sex. If you are comfortable, you’ll probably be able to make your partner comfortable too. And the way women’s sexuality works, making a girl comfortable is the best way to lead her to pleasure.
- Symonds T, Roblin D, Hart K, Althof S (2004) How does premature ejaculation effect a man’s life. J Sex Marital Ther 29(5):361–370, Porst H, Montorsi F, Rosen RC, Gaynor L, Grupe S, Alexander J (2007) The Premature Ejaculation Prevalence and Attitudes (PEPA) survey: prevalence, comorbidities, and professional help-seeking. Eur Urol 51(3):816–823
- Herbenick D, Fu TJ, Arter J, Sanders SA, Dodge B. (2017) Women’s Experiences With Genital Touching, Sexual Pleasure, and Orgasm: Results From a U.S. Probability Sample of Women Ages 18 to 94. J Sex Marital Ther. 2017 Jul 5:1-12. doi: 10.1080/0092623X.2017.1346530.
- Frost DM, McClelland SI, Dettmann M (2017) Sexual Closeness Discrepancies: What They Are and Why They Matter for Sexual Well-Being in Romantic Relationships. Arch Sex Behav. 2017 Mar 31. doi: 10.1007/s10508-017-0960-2.